|Title: eViL pOp TaRt's Stuff|
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Date Posted：02/26/2009 20:39Copy HTML
The Raid on the Warehouse
"Mel Gautreaux of Action News and Weather here. We're talking to Sergeant Girard of N.O.P.D.'s literary squad. Less than one hour ago, the Literary Squad made a spectacular raid on a cliché warehouse on Tchopitoulas Street. Sergeant, how did you know there was an illegal operation going on here?"
"Well, Mel, there were the unmistakable signs. We saw some Really Class Acts in the Vicinity, and the Fat Lady Was About to Sing. There were undesirables loitering around that reliably tipped us on this type of operation. More politicians and clergymen than You Could Shake a Stick At. Of course, this unsavory vice has always been the problem of athletes and sports announcers. We found cases of Tried and True and Rosy-Fingered Dawns and barrels of John Barleycorns and Founding Fathers (with no royalties paid to the estate of Warren G. Harding) and a room full of some Nice Racks. (Apparently, there is a severe need for storage in this business.)"
"Why are there so many of these cliché warehouses in New Orleans, Sergeant?"
"In my opinion, it's that the languid atmosphere of New Orleans that makes this a Hotbed of Bad Literature. Let's face it: New Orleans is an interesting place to live in and write about. But it's not a place reknown for hard work, literary or otherwise. So these young, aspiring writiers that flock to the Crescent City drift slowly into The Life of Dissipation. (They get lazy.) First it's a jaded expression that the writer uses almost unconsciously; then he finds himself using the typical buzzwords from television. Now That Sucks Like a Hoover. Soon he has a well-established fondness for clichés. But then, no one Promised Us a Rose Garden! When you add to this the sports figures and the Uberbabes who flock to the Superdome and to the Sugar Bowl, we have a Bravo Sierra factor that often Reaches Critical Mass.
Anyway, right now we're hot on the trail of Mr. Big. His days are numbered."
"Yes, that awful wordsmith that first coined the expression, "The Big Easy."
[A horrified look on Reporter Mel Gautreaux's face.]
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Re：eViL pOp TaRt's Stuff
Date Posted：02/27/2009 17:29Copy HTML
Protesting with Style and Grace
To protest whaever annoys us is a right dear to Americans: we have opinions on just about anything. Oops, I'm remiss a little: my thinking hasn't clarified on Free Silver or on Statehood for the Florida Parishes, despite the best efforts by the TeePee, the Good Sisters, a motely crew of professors both of the academic and the musical sort, as well as the habituees of coffee shops.
Any people protest in various ways: with boycotts, with marches, with sit-ins or lie ins (or is it lye-ins?), with placards and signs and picket lines. Lately there's been the use of nudity as a shock tactic in protest. And, it's been overdone. I can see the temptation: to be able to flaunt one's buff body openly while gaining a frisson of righteousness on the side: now that's a two-fer for you!
Alas, buffness is not often evident. Au contraire! One of the recent Yahoo! news pictures astounds the gentle reader with the dubious pleasure of hairy heinies mounted on bicycles. Now is that what a gentle lady wishes to see in her e-mail portal on an otherwise nondescript Friday morning? I think not. Non cogito, ergo non sum. Je ne pense pas, donc je ne suis pas. Ahhhh!
I think the socially correct and considerate protester should endeavor to protest in the most polite manner, so that when she appears in the moment of arrest on the 6 P.M. news her family and neighbors are edified. They should say: "Ahhhh . . . . the Boudreaux; they reised the children well." There are things to consider:
1. Proper clothing. Nudity is so outré. I recommend wearing designer clothes as an ideal. Versace, perhaps. Or maybe Ralph Lauren. Liz Claiborne has a number of garments that make a stunning look for the elegant protestor. One's lingerie should match, just on principle. This ensures that one is properly grounded.
2. Proper accessories. Think understated elegance. Maybe a nice necklace or gold chain and tiny earrings. No hoop earrings: they are too blatant. Message t-shirts are to be avoided. Navels are not to be flaunted. Consider what message you wish to send: "I've got an innie!" or "I am a conspicuous consumer with no taste; as eivdent by my buying junk jewelery for my belly button."
3. Proper courtesy. Thank people when you should, and say "please." It is considered mannerly to prepare a complimentary box of cookies for the arresting officer if you expect arrest. However, avoid the stereotype implied in the gift of doughnuts.
4. Proper graphics: Any signs that are use should use lettering that is legible, consistent, and pleasingly congruent with the background.
5. Proper means of protest: Yelling, blocking the right of way, and cursing mark one as unfit for polite discourse. Instead, edifying ways such as having violins on the street or even a string quartet might.
6. Proper attitude: Be unfailingly friendly and charming. Treat your act of protest as if it is a possible imposition or inconvenience to others. Smile a lot. Say, "Have a nice day" and "Take care, y'all."